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You have the right to remain YOU

Charity Danker • 29 November 2023

Know thyself, express thyself - the foundation of thriving relationships.

In my work as a relationship, sex and intimacy coach I often work with people who don’t know who they are or what they want in a relationship. They seem to always be certain that the reason they aren’t getting what they want in a relationship is because the other person is failing to give it to them. I see this trend throughout the books, professional journals, podcasts, etc in this field.


I often receive blank looks of confusion and sometimes anger when I ask these 7 questions: 


What is your sexual identity? 

What makes a good relationship for you?

How do you hold back from speaking your truth?

When do you lie to yourself and your partner?

What do you want in a relationship?

How do you express yourself sexually? 

How do you want to be able to express yourself? 


To questions like: What is your sexual identity? What do you like sexually? How do you express yourself sexually? How do you want to be able to express yourself? 


I tend to get answers like, “I don’t know”, “freely”, “safely”, “I just want normal sex that feels good”. Basically I get vague or empty answers. When I ask them to tell me what safe looks like, or “freely” looks like, or what is “normal feel good sex”; people often get really nervous and upset. I’m told these are hard questions. Sometimes they never answer the questions and sometimes they can. I find that when people actually ask themselves and sit with these questions for a bit they can express themselves openly and honestly and give clear answers. The problem is they haven’t already sat with these types of questions. They haven’t ever spelled it out to a partner in a way that the partner could receive the information and adjust accordingly.


Likewise, people feel they are not getting what they want when they date someone new or attempt to reconnect in a long term relationship and this is often (in part) due to not being able to answer these questions: What makes a good relationship? What do you want in a relationship? 


People say they want a relationship and someone else will say, “Oh, I do also.” They think they are good to go, but there is a disconnect. What does what they desire, mean to each of them? People often have two different definitions of the word relationship (as well as sex, connection, honesty,) and intimate connection. 


For example, I desire a relationship where I see the other person a couple of times a week, perhaps for an adventurous date out one day and a date in the other. My person needs to be secure in themselves and their life. I want someone with a common interest in spirituality, yoga, healthy eating (preferably better than me on this one) , travel and exploration of the world. I also want someone willing to be a partner (help me with projects at home and allow me to help them on projects in their home) . I want to live separately for a considerable time. I need them to have their own life, so I feel free to live mine. I need to maintain a great deal of independence and alone time. Sexual compatibility is really high on the list and a healthy frequency for sexual interaction, but not daily or used for stress management. I have come to these realizations and self actualizations that I now express to my partners clearly.



The seventh and possibly most striking question is; When do you hold back from speaking your truth? Sometimes asked, 'How do you lie to yourself and your partner?’ 


Unintentionally, a lot of us hold back from speaking our truth at different moments in life. We say we are “fine” with things that we are not fine with. We say we want things the other person wants, because we want to be with them, and we believe we can not have that person if we don’t agree to want the same things. We lie to ourselves and tell ourselves we don’t need (blank) when we actually do. We tell ourselves we can live a certain lifestyle to please the other person but it isn’t authentic to us. I often have clients tell me they lost themselves in a relationship. The truth is they tossed that part of themselves away, in an attempt to reduce confrontation, conflict or rejection. This is all done from a place of “love”. I wouldn’t consider this love, but a very unhealthy attachment, possibly a direct result of children not being able to have a voice, opinion or say in their own lives. When we are not raised to have opinions or to be able to make decisions or mistakes and still be loved, then we learn to give the “right answer”. That answer being what the other person wants to hear. This is loving from a place of fear and limited beliefs. You believe you can not be loved if you are your true self. 


Well I am here to say, you can be loved as your true self if you are willing to speak your truth and wait for the person you find alignment with. I’m not saying you have to have perfect alignment on all things. I am saying you need to value and love yourself enough to know who you are and know you have the right to have the relationship dynamics you prefer.


You have the right to remain your own spunky, quirky self and you can find love as your true authentic self. 


I encourage all of you to answer these questions and then ask your partners to answer them. Give yourself and them time to fully consider the questions. It will take time to face your true self and answer honestly and completely. I encourage you to be specific, avoid the black hole of vague abstract worded answers.


Remember Love Thyself,

Charity

Why I Don’t “Do” Sales Calls — And Why My Clients Still Say Yes

17 March 2026
The last two weeks have been a deep unraveling for me. I’ve been letting go of the fear that I’m “manipulating people on a sales call” or “causing harm.” It wasn’t easy. I was flooded with conflicting thoughts. But here’s what I realized: I don’t need to say or do anything manipulative, salesy, or coercive. At all. My issue with sales calls is simple: People are taught to use scripts, “transformational coaching language,” and “unconscious belief” tactics to pressure people into buying programs they’re not ready for. I refuse to do that. What I’ve seen is this: When someone is truly ready for spiritual, erotic, or somatic growth work, they don’t push back on my fee. They don’t need convincing. They eagerly pay to learn the skills I teach. And in the last two weeks? I sold four intensives I was invited to speak at a retreat I didn’t use a single manipulative tactic All I did was: Answer their questions Validate their struggle and their desires Tell them how I could help Assume they were going to buy Ask, “How many hours do you want, and when?” Two intensives were 12 hours each. One was 2 hours. One was 4 hours. No pressure. No scripts. No shame. Just alignment. This is what happens when I work the way I’m meant to work. I’m in true alignment with my values and my clients. I’m attracting people who are ready to invest in themselves without being pushed. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m relaxed. I’m in flow.  And I’m going to keep showing up in my authentic way — because it works.

When “Make More Money” Became the Wrong Goal

17 March 2026
About five years ago, I looked around and saw everyone shouting the same thing: Make more money. Make more money. UGH. Yes, we all want money — but is that really the true desire?  That year, without even realizing it, I made $180,000. I was seeing an average of 35 clients a week, with 40–45 on the books. People late-canceled, no-showed, and I was exhausted. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t feel successful. I didn’t even know I’d made that much money until I did my taxes the next year. I was grasping at what I thought I valued: money and success. But those aren’t my values at all. My real values? Freedom. Authenticity. Generosity. Love and connection. Being of service. Empowering others. So I decided maybe I wanted to “work smarter, not harder.” I hired my first business coach. Turns out… she had a one-size-fits-all approach. It was a major waste of money. But I did learn something important: what doesn’t work for me. I often get clarity from the unaligned suggestions people give me. That contrast is useful. I also learned that most business coaches and social media experts have no idea how to market my work. I’m the one telling them what keywords to use. They make big promises and don’t follow through. How many times have I heard, “I’ll personally help you build your funnels,” only to receive templates for chiropractors and medspas? Umm… what? And funnels? I have yet to see one actually work for my kind of work. What I’ve learned over the last five years I don’t want to work with large groups. It drains me. My classes will never be more than 10 people in person, and online I cap at 20. I want to offer individual care, not mass-produced transformation. My desire for freedom, authenticity, and grace shapes how I work and who I attract. I entered a greedy stage for a while — and it blocked me. Generosity is one of my core values. If I’m charging more than I’d pay for my own care, I’m out of alignment. I value a personal approach. I value meeting people where they are and gently helping them move beyond their resistance. I don’t need to manipulate anyone into buying my programs. My ideal clients are ready. They’re eager. They want to expand from desire and possibility, not fear and pressure. I’m not solving problems for people — I’m empowering them to find pleasure, confidence, and self-advocacy. I teach people to have a relationship with sensation and pleasure. To love themselves. To speak their desires in ways that invite connection. My ultimate desire is for my clients to feel as good in their bodies and about their sexual expression as I do. There’s no monetary value you can place on that. People tell me I’ll never be rich. That my revenue will always be limited. They say it like it’s an insult — like I’m a silly woman. I disagree. I am rich in life and love. I am rich in my lack of internalized shame and regret. And that is worth more than any funnel.

Sacrifice

by Charity Danker • 28 March 2024
As a relationship therapist and coach, I often encounter stories from both men and women who feel victimized by their partners. While some cases involve genuine harm, many examples revolve around self-imposed sacrifices—acts made without the other person even requesting them. I frequently hear about unspoken truths and unexpressed desires. Women often use the word “sacrifice”, claiming they’ve given up so much for their partners. However, when asked whether their partner explicitly requested these sacrifices, they usually admit that no such request was made. In reality, their partners didn’t deny their desires; the women denied themselves. They chose to: Reduce contact with friends to prioritize family time. Forego careers or education due to perceived limitations. Avoid playing favorite songs because of their partner’s preferences. Why do we interpret someone's dislike of our choices as a mandate to change our entire lives? Some women inadvertently limit themselves based on others' preferences and then blame those others. Here’s the truth; no one forces you to change–you made that choice. As mothers, we must indeed need to be loving, attentive, nurturing, and supportive. However, this does not mean sacrificing our individuality. Our music, clothing, and entertainment preferences are a part of who we are. Let’s reject the notion that being a good parent requires suppressing our truest selves.
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